I am a rabid New York Giants fan. My hatred for the Dallas Cowboys (and, to a very slightly lesser extent, the Philadelphia Eagles) is visceral, perpetual, and at times borders on the kind of psychosis usually found only in North Korean politics. Any team that calls itself "America's Team" and cuts a hole in the roof of its stadium so that "God can watch the Cowboys play" deserves to have its players, personnel and fans die of bubonic plague or syphilis. Or better yet, both. These things having been said, I cannot condemn a native Texan for being a Cowboys fan. I can and will throw beer bottles at his/her head, but I can't condemn them. But when I see a native of the Tri-State Area wearing a Cowboys jersey in MY BAR and cheering against the Giants, I will do everything I can to make sure they leave the bar crying. During today's Giants/Redskins game (a total debacle, by the way...we got our asses kicked by Rex Grossman...REX GROSSMAN...that's the rough equivalent of being dumped by Anne Ramsey) a very hot but equally annoying young woman in a Cowboys t-shirt made the mistake of cheering when the Redskins took the lead in the third quarter. A highly entertaining (for me, at least) example of the effectiveness of Socratic dialogue ensued. One disclaimer before I relay the content of this conversation: my use of the word "whore" is frequent, always in jest and never malicious. I use this word multiple times a day, always in the spirit of Ron Burgundy, never in the spirit of Ike Turner. If you find such language/humor "offensive" because you're incapable of distinguishing between "tongue-in-cheek" and "literal", I suggest a hasty departure from my website. Seriously, what the hell are you even doing here? Aren't you late for tea at Gloria Steinem's house? Moving on...
Female Cowboys Fan: woo hoo, Giants suck!
Me: shut your pie hole
FCF: haha, you guys are losing to the Redskins!
Me: you're in CONNECTICUT...you have a NEW YORK accent...explain your Cowboy jersey, woman
FCF: well, the first pro game I went to was at Cowboy Stadium and it was amazing!
Me: so?? are you still in love with the first guy you had sex with??
FCF: [totally caught off guard] well, umm...yeah, actually...I guess I still kinda am
Me: that's very interesting, whore
FCF: [laughing in spite of her shock] excuse me??
Me: I called you a whore...and you're dying to hear me tell you why, aren't you?
FCF: [too proud to say "yes" but too curious to say "no" - remains silent]
Me: qui tacet consentire videtur, therefore I shall tell you [I studied Latin for 8 years and the only thing it's given me in return is the occasional opportunity to cudgel someone who displeases me with classical idioms - this particular phrase means "those who remain silent will be assumed to have consented"]
FCF: [equal parts amused, intrigued and apprehensive]
Me: well, you've admitted to loving two things that were "firsts" for you, have you not?
FCF: yeah, so?
Me: how many people would you say end up in meaningful, long-term relationships with the first person they loved?
FCF: not many
Me: correct...and would you agree that someone who is still hung up on their first love has difficulty giving their heart to another?
FCF: I would
Me: and you are one such person, by your own admission, are you not?
FCF: I suppose
Me: now, are you currently sexually active?
FCF: yeah, of course...how can anyone live without sex?
Me: so you admit, then, to sleeping with people you can't possibly love because you are still hung up on the first guy you slept with?
FCF: [finally beginning to catch on] now wait a minute...
Me: no, no, let me finish crushing you in the iron grip of reason
FCF: [looks at me like she can't decide whether she wants to punch me or go home with me]
Me: now, what label do we traditionally apply to women who sleep with men they are incapable of loving?
FCF: ok ok I get it
Me: I rest my case, whore
For the record, I bought this woman a drink a few minutes later. I buy other women breakfast sometimes for a related reason. I may be a monumental prick, but I am NOT a monster. Bottom line, that woman kept her Cowboy-loving mouth shut for the remainder of the Giants/Redskins game.
Enjoy more Curmudgeonly content at www.celticcurmudgeon.com
2 comments:
I am a huge cowboys fan. You have written an extremely offensive article. This is basically telling me that after all these years of helping homeless people and buskers, sending clothes over to the less fortunate in third-world countries, and volunteering at a hospital, I deserve to die just because you don't like the labels they have for the team. Shame on you. You are doing nothing to show your loyalty for the giants in this respect. Hell, youre even making their fanbase look bad.
I looked all over the Internet trying to figure out your full name. I mean you know harm, but it's driving my analytical brain crazy. Can you share with me? You can even email it to me on my fake gmail account. bobcobbthemeistro@gmail.com. I know that's not how you spell maestro. :)
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