OK, by now you all know what a bitch I can be. This time, I do believe you will side with me. Deli's around the Country certainly did.
Before I get into the shitty morning and breakfast I just had, let me ask you all this: Is there one restaurant out there (there may be more) where no matter what you eat there, you end up with massive, explosive diarrhoea? When I was young growing up in the burbs of Philly, it was Bain's Deli. I told my parents all the time...."PLEASE anywhere but there"...but they liked it and did not mind me sitting on the shitter for the back half of dinner EVERY TIME I WENT THERE.
Since I was young, I have tried to avoid these types of eating establishments. However, every town has a few and it takes time to sort out the good from the shit(pun intended). In my town, there is on Deli that sucks so bad, it makes me pine for Bain's Deli. I wont give it's full name out but lets just say the second part of the name is ESSEN and it is on Mt. Pleasant Avenue in Livingston NJ.
I have never gone there and not had the aforesaid type and quality of diarrhoea within 30 minutes of arriving home. 
Today, my family shared the following: Lox, Eggs and Onions and Fried Matzo.
Today, my family shared the following: Lox, Eggs and Onions and Fried Matzo. That is it.
26 minutes after returning home.....a return to Nagasaki occurred in my kids bathroom. (Thank God I put a high propulsion exhaust fan in last year).
So why am I telling you this?
Simple. I swore this shit hole off 2 years ago but my wife LOVES the LOE there. So I acquiesced like any dutiful husband would and off we went. Things took a quick turn south when I asked for grape jelly with the fried matzo. NOPE. "We don't have grape, only strawberry and raspberry baby", replied the hostess. I thought I misheard her and asked again, "wait...let me recap this...this is a Jewish Deli without grape jelly?" "Uhhh yes, baby it is...most people like strawberry, baby", replied our caring waitress.
I was left with only one option. Get in my car, drive across the street to a diner, and ask for some grape jelly packets. $2.00 and 5 minutes later, I returned. First bitching out the cashier lady, then the owner's brother.
So while I was finishing my fried matzo and grape jelly, I decided to see if I was off base in my thought process that any deli, certainly a Jewish one would have grape jelly as a staple. I called the following deli's around the country. (Thanks Google Maps!!):
The Carnegie Deli, NYC
Hymies Deli, Bala Cynwyd PA
Jerry's Famous Deli, Los Angeles CA
Livingston Bagel, Livingston NJ
Guess What?? THEY ALL HAVE GRAPE JELLY!
So my message to shit-hole E&&3$ ESSEN is GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING GRAPE JELLY AND KEEP IT IN THE BACK SO WHEN YOUR CUSTOMERS ASK FOR IT, THEY DON'T HAVE TO GO TO YOUR COMPETITION ACROSS THE MOTHER FUCKING STREET!!!!
I feel better, especially since the diarrhoea is over.
--The Angry Trader.
