The Angry Trader: Fuck the Gran Bahia Principe Jamaica Resort

Below is a true and accurate picture of the Gran Bahai Prinipe Jamaica Resort--

I love Jamaica--anyone who knows me, well they know why. There is A LOT to do there aside from sitting on the beach eating space cakes.....

S0 when my folks told me that they would take not only my family but my sister's as well...and to Jamaica...I was fucking psyched.

However, a week prior to going I started to read some horrible reviews of the hotel..I mean real disasters. The hotel, the staff, the food...all of it lived up to the SHIT reviews I had read. Fuck. Total disaster. Some low lights for you:

(Above is a true and accurate image of the room we stayed in at the Gran Bahia Principe Jamaica Resort)

The rooms were big but there was not nearly enough room for 4 of our clothes to fit in the 3 drawers provided. The jacuzzi did not work properly and when turned on, made a sound as if it were about to launch itself out of the bathroom and through the wall.

Sheets and bed covers skeeved the piss out of me.

Shower sucked, glass door hanging by a thread from the wall (real fucking safe)

Low end booze (bottom of barrel)

Low end food (50% from a can)

You could not get brewed decaffeinated coffee--only instant!

No bananas available for 75% of the stay--the rest of the fresh fruit sucked my hairy balls too. No flavor, not ripe. Just a fucking joke.

Angry, mean staff who had no interest in helping.

As much money as Iberostar and the Ritz but way less in terms of quality.

So there you go Mr. Hernandez. When we met I told you this was coming you piece of shit. Your hotel is NOT a 5 star resort. Not even close. Remember, the truth is an absolute defense to slander and liable. So suck on that and my fat meat stick you European loser.

Below please find an Angry Trader rant my 10 year old son and 14 year old niece put together after a "memorable" dinner at the high end (LOL) steak house on property:

After getting back from the beach for the day, we were each told by our parents to take a shower, and put on some decent clothes for our hotel restaurant excursion. Our extended family, of fourteen, met at the decided place to converge, and we made our way to the restaurant.

When we finally arrived at the restaurant, we sat down at two separate tables, being the kids table and the adult table, and we waited 45 minutes for a waiter of some sort to take our orders. When the waiter finally decided to make an appearance at our table, we started to order. My cousin and I both ordered the steak, "with a little surprise" on the side, while our younger siblings/cousins each ordered some sort of chicken.

Another grievous 45 minutes later, our food was served. My cousin and I were both starving, so we eagerly began to devour our steaks. As soon as the first bite hit our taste buds, we found that the steak was extremely undercooked, after we had both requested a medium. We notified our parents, and then the waiter as well. He strolled over to our table, just to glance at our meals and say "Yah, mon, dis is da medium, mon." No joke. Because I have a lot of the same characteristics as my dad (The angry trader) I looked at him and responded "I know this is Jamaica, but it's not alright, mon".

On that note, he took our "medium" steaks and left. After waiting an almost reasonable amount of time, the waiter returned with our steaks. Of course, we found that our steaks now resembled pig crap after it had eaten beans.

We quickly put it aside and walked to dessert. just like dinner the pastries were CRAPPY!!! I tried the cheese cake. Apparently in Jamaica its supposed to taste like bread. Obviously i was PISSED. That was the worst meal.(worse than Nero's)

----The Angry Trader Jr. & Skaaay